Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Life In West Beverly

So I finished watching 90210 about a month ago, but it’s been too difficult for me to come up with a way to write a review of the show. I mean there are 296 episodes over 10 seasons, so there is a lot to discuss with the show. I was going to write a blurb about each character, but there are too many characters for me to write a continuous piece. Plus there are logistical things like do the Walsh parents make it as characters? How about Noah Hunter? Or Matt Durning Attorney at Law? So I scrapped the characters idea. Then I thought about writing about each season, but so much happens in each season that it would be ludicrous for me to write about ten seasons. Heck even one would be challenge. So after a few weeks, here’s what I came up with:

Why I Love 90210
As crazy as the show gets, it never gets boring. The writers did a great job of making sure something was going on with each character at any given point. And there are not many one episode subplots. Drug addictions, unwanted pregnancies, debts, and everything else that goes on are stretched out for 4 or 5 episodes, which keeps everything interesting.

But that’s just the plots. The characters are what really make the show. Each one has its own niche and no two that are on the show at the same time are alike. Brandon was the leader, Brenda was the independent girl, Steve was the meat-headed jock, Kelly was the tramp, Dylan was the badass, Andrea was the book-nerd, David was the dork, and Donna was the virgin. Granted, roles changed as the show progressed, and they tried replacing some characters with different ones, which worked well with Valerie and Claire replacing the changing roles of the girls (Valerie took over Brandon’s sister-type role that Brenda left behind and Kelly’s slutty image that she shed, and Claire came in as the independent to take over Brenda).

Which brings me to my next debate…

When Did 90210 Jump the Shark?
This question could seriously be debated for hours on end. I know what I think, but I’m going to give the candidates:

High School Graduation: If you look at their freshmen year in college, nothing really changed that much. There was still parental influence (Brandon and Brenda living with their parents and David secretly living in the Beach Apartment without Donna’s parents knowing). Also, school was still a factor in sub-plots. The only thing that really changed was the gang was having sex with people outside the group (Brandon with his professor’s wife and Andrea with her creepy RA and a Mexican bartender who she ended up marrying).

Brenda Leaving the Show: This could potentially be the place where the show does jump the shark because you could see the show taking a different turn. After she left, Valerie came in and started stirring it up, which is actually what the show needed. There was always drama, but nothing like what Valerie did in her first season back where she immediately started going after Kelly, somehow bought the Peach Pit After Dark for $200,000, and broke Steve’s heart 9238473 times. Oh yeah, she also heard rumors about Dylan being a badass and had sex with him just to rile up the crowd. Brandon still used her as a sister-type influence in his life, but he also branched out to other characters. Brenda leaving made the show grow up, which worked well because the audience was also growing up and wanted to see more than just the typical teen-age BS.

Jim and Cindy Walsh Leaving: Anyone who makes this argument didn’t realize that you can’t have parents around in the show after high school, no matter how “cool” they are.

Dylan Leaving: You could tell after Dylan left the show that it was losing something. The episode or two after he left the wheels were coming off, but the ship was righted when Colin gets Kelly hooked on coke. So the threat of substance abuse was still hanging over everyone’s head, which is what Dylan best brought to the table.

College Graduation: This is the most likely spot where the show could have jumped the shark, but the plotlines in the 8th season were actually captivating. The only absolutely ridiculous thing was, as my Uncle says, “Hey, there’s a guy who lives on a boat in Hawaii, let’s invite him back to LA to live with us because we can trust any guy we find on a boat.” Other than that, Kelly getting shot, Valerie’s rape, and the recently de-viriginized Donna Martin were great sub-plots.

Brandon Leaving: Believe it or not, the show jumped the shark between graduation and Brandon leaving at the beginning of the 9th season. This just poured salt on the wound. But this is where it happened…

Brandon and Kelly’s Wedding: What a ridiculous idea this was. You knew that the writers had to have a big event to end the season, so they decided let’s get marry our two best characters. But there was a problem, once married, there can’t be any petty arguments that could occupy a few episodes. And they couldn’t have Brandon cheat on Kelly again because that had already happened. So they had an engagement and everything but had Brandon and Kelly decide that they were best friends and not fit to be married to one another. It was insane. I was legitimately upset when I watched the episode. It made no sense. The only reason why they were friends after they broke up in college was to keep an eye on the other one to make sure they didn’t stray from one another so they ultimately could get married. And the worst part about calling off the wedding was that all the guests understood completely. The non-wedding gave Brandon an easy way out of the show, which brought back Dylan and introduced Matt Durning Attorney at Law. You can also see the plotlines go down the tank. Dylan and Noah got kidnapped, Donna became a slut for two weeks, David and Dylan started hating each other, Matt Durning Attorney at Law’s schizophrenic wife came back, and Steve got married and had a kid. If that wedding had happened, the show would have been much better off.


Random Awards I’m Going to Give Out

Most Unrealistic Moment on the Show: Dylan and Valerie’s sting operation to get back the 10 million dollars that was stolen from Dylan by his apparent second family. Valerie is prancing around half-naked while there is a fight between Dylan and Kevin where Kevin has a gun that he doesn’t use. You figure it out. Honorable mention goes to when Dylan and Noah are kidnapped, and Noah dives away from the car that’s about to blow up at the last second.

Best Subplot: The love triangle with Dylan, Brenda, and Kelly was so perfect. You didn’t know who to root for, but Dylan played it so perfectly. He told them both he was going to think and let the girls hang out for a month eyeing one another waiting for one of them to blink. And of course, as soon as Dylan chooses Kelly (the wrong choice, by the way), his dad gets blown up in a car in front of his eyes.

Most Ridiculous Subplot: Anything involving Brandon being a hardnosed journalist for either West Beverly High or California University’s newspaper. No high school or college kid would take writing for a campus paper that seriously. There were times where he was nearly expelled and arrested all for an extra curricular activity. He even got AP recognition when covering the Ray Pruitt trial. How could that happen?

Most Tortured Character: This is the easiest thing for me to say. No one, and I mean NO ONE has ever been through as much as Kelly did in 10 years. Let’s have a rundown in chronological order (forgive me if I missed something):

Nearly raped at a Halloween party in High School
Became addicted to diet pills and anorexic in High School
Caught in a house fire and had her neck and back burned to nothing
Joined a cult during college
Started cocaine addiction
Kidnapped and nearly killed by crazed rehab roommate
Impregnated and miscarried two weeks before college graduation
Shot in the abdomen by car thieves
Sexually assaulted by boss
Engaged to Brandon then breaks it off just before the wedding
Raped while walking alone in parking lot
Shot and killed her rapist
Broke off yet another engagement, this time to Matt Durning Attorney at Law

You tell me how someone could have survived 10 years of that torture. That’s 3 sexual assaults, 2 addictions, 2 broken off engagements, and 3 incidents involving guns. The only way that it is justified is at the end of the show when Kelly and Steve are talking about the past 10 years, and Steve says the only way all of them could have survived everything is by having strong friends who can help you move past.

Biggest Mistake: If there was one thing that 90210 could have done was become revolutionary in showing what teen-agers and college aged kids do: constantly make-out. I’m not saying the show should have been soft-core porn, but didn’t you notice how there was nothing between kissing and having sex? 90210 could have brought oral sex into mainstream television; instead they left that to Bill Clinton. There was no discussion about it, no hints, no nothing. I don’t know if it would have worked out, but it was definitely bizarre for Donna to only kiss guys until she had sex.

Funniest Moment: Besides all the unintentional comedy and bad acting, the one time where I laughed out loud because of something that was intentionally funny was when Donna and David got a dog named Rocky that was peeing and pooping all over the house, David answers the phone by saying “Rocky’s Toilet!” I laughed at that when I was 9, and I laughed when I was 20. And some people tell me I need to grow up!

Favorite Episode
This was easy for me to figure out because I judge episodes based on how much happens, and if it’s relevant to the grand scheme of the show. That’s part of what made 90210 so great. All of the season finales were captivating; there weren’t any BS plots just for fillers, but the episode that sent the show on its course, and the episode I believe made the show last for the 6 years beyond it was the finale of the 4th season, called Mr. Walsh Goes to Washington.

Here’s what happened:
Andrea goes into premature labor
Kelly and Dylan break up
Brenda is offered to go away to London for the Summer
Steve’s ex, Celeste, is dating his arch-nemesis, John Sears
David is caught cheating on Donna
Kelly realizes she’s in Love with Brandon
Dylan’s money is stolen
Brenda has sex with Dylan then promises she’ll be back after London

This episode gave Brenda a way out of the show, unfortunately. Andrea’s baby’s premature birth put a strain on her marriage, which ultimately made them move away. Steve begins to realize that he needs companionship in his life and looks for a girlfriend. Donna is left as the only virgin left, and she starts to feel more pressure to have sex. Also, she and David become star-crossed lovers. Brenda’s departure and money loss send Dylan into depression and drug addiction, which after getting out that funk makes him want to avenge his father’s death. That vengeance leads him out of the show after his wife is killed. Finally, the Brandon and Kelly relationship looms in every episode until Brandon leaves (and some afterward). There’s an added bonus of seeing Brenda and Donna take their shirts off.

What I Took Away from 90210
First of all, and most importantly, there was not a moment when watching the show that I was not entertained. Even after the show jumped, I still enjoyed watching each and every episode no matter how improbable or unbelievable the plots became. I do still contend, however, that the last six seasons rode the coattails of the first four seasons. You can’t find more captivating television than the first four seasons. And the final six seasons are still better than a lot of the crap that’s on television now. The show also was the last thing I would watch on most nights at school before falling asleep, which ended up leading to some pretty interesting dreams about me coexisting with cast members or sometimes being part of a plot.

Secondly, the music on the show was pretty solid. I actually downloaded some of the songs that I heard on the show. “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” by Brian McKnight, “LA Song” by Beth Hart, and “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak are among songs that I enjoyed in the show. They also had guests like Goo Goo Dolls, Spin Doctors, and the immortal Duncan Sheik.

Finally, it was interesting to watch the show from the perspective of someone who has experienced some of the things that occur in the show. I watched new episodes regularly between the ages of 7 and 13, and a lot of the events I just watched but never pondered. Now, I see all the events such as hook-ups, break-ups, addictions, parties, and the occasional violent crime, and I actually understand them and develop an opinion.

Final Verdict on 90210: One of a Kind

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Brawl

In the midst of writing my 90210 review (which I can't seem to figure out how to write), I realized that tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of The Brawl, or as some people like to call it, "The Malice at the Palace." I'd like to revisit this historic event.

First of all, I remember stumbling back to my room that Friday night insanely drunk and seeing that headline on espn.com. Yes, when I go back to my room, I check espn.com. For what reason, I don't know. Anyway, I was so shocked that I slightly sobered up. I then tried to get ESPNMotion to show the fight, and I couldn't really see anything with blurred vision and a bad feed. So I went to sleep. I made sure to watch TV all day the next day, and what I saw was ridiculous. Here were my initial questions:

What in the name of Dennis Rodman was Ron Artest thinking lying on the scoring table? Wasn't he asking for some fans to berate him? What was that fan thinking when he tossed the beer? Why did Artest have to charge up there? Did he really think he'd find the culprit? Had Stephen Jackson been waiting to fight the fans because he was all about punching people? Who was the genius who threw the chair? What were those two Piston fans doing on the floor? Weren't they asking for it? What was said that provoked Jermaine O'Neal to do a sliding punch? Finally, why did I get drunk instead of watching the game live?

Well, most of those questions were not answered except we found out that a relative of Ben Wallace threw the chair. That guy is so stupid, but watching the replay makes it pretty funny. Here's what the brawl boiled down to in my eyes:

Artest was acting like an asshole, Grade A asshole. That fan, who replays show punching Artest in the head while Artest is being restrained should have gotten his ass kicked for being a moron. The fan who Artest initially attacked deserved to the beating he received because he was dumb enough to start yelling at a crazed Artest who was running up the stands looking for someone to pummel.

Here's where my controversial opinion comes in. The fans who walked onto the floor deserved to get the shit beat out of them. Once you walk on that floor, you can check your rights at the door because that's the players' haven, and they will fight you if they feel threatened on that court. It's their right. They are told all the time to feel safe playing in front of 20,000 hostile fans, but the fact of the matter is, when those fans become as hostile as they were, players can do whatever they want to fans who go looking for trouble on the floor. Ron Artest used his defensive instincts and went after those two dudes on the floor. However, Jermaine O'Neal's sliding punch is questionable.

I could go into a whole discussion about race, but I don't want to talk about that here. So here is my one racial thought: White people and black people make each other feel uncomfortable. It's unfortunate, but it's a fact of life, and when big black men violently charge into a crowd of white people, it's much worse than if it were white people attacking white people. And that's why this thing ballooned the way it did. I'm not blaming the brawl on black people, but I will put the blame on Ron Artest's shoulders for acting the way he did. He had two chances to prevent this from happening, to not lie on the scorer's table and to not charge the crowd. But he did both, and he got what he deserved.

Friday, November 04, 2005

2005-2006: The Year of The Mavs?

Before I begin this preview, I apologize for not putting this out before the season started. I had a test on Tuesday, and then I got my sleeping thrown out of whack. But I'm ready to roll with this thing. Just to let you know, this preview has been in the works for a couple weeks, if only in my mind, and the past two games have not changed my opinion on what I think about the team.

Without further ado, I give my preview. I'll start with players, and I'll go in numerical order:

#1-Rawle Marshall: I'll be honest with this guy, the only thing I know about him is that he played for Oakland University in college and lead them to a win in the play-in game before being pancaked by North Carolina. I saw him play in the preseason, but I don't remember a thing. Good Luck, Rawle. I hope you do well playing in Fort Worth.

#2-Keith Van Horn: He is everything that fans hate in an NBA player. He's white, lanky, seems to be in the wrong place, and he always plays out of position. On top of it all, he's getting paid something like 15 million dollars this year. Having said that I Love Keith Van Horn on the Mavericks. He gives so much to the team by just being there. He is a poor man's Dirk, which means that the Mavs only lose half a step when Dirk is resting, rather than the full step lost if we still had Raef LaFrentz or any of the guys brought in to back up Dirk. Do you remember how upset people were when we lost Van Horn in the playoffs last season and how excited everyone was to have him back? He fills his role well, and I predict he'll do the same this year. Plus there's a big bonus with Van Horn, and it starts with his contract. He comes off the books this year as the following person becomes a free agent and will be locked up here for a long time...

#5-Josh Howard: Last year's playoffs defined Josh Howard to me. He showed such attitude, such fortitude, such competitiveness. That was such a Bill Walton sentence. But seriously, I will never forget in the Phoenix series there was a tie up underneath the basket, the ball was win mid-air, and after the ref blew the whistle, Josh punched the ball, which flew across the court. He then got in someone's face and received a technical foul. I went nuts. That's the attitude that the Mavericks were missing before he came. No backing down and becoming proactive. And the best part about Howard's attitude is that he's not a goon; he contributes, a lot. We'll see more of the same from Josh Howard, may be a little more scoring, but he brings it every night, and that's all I care about.

#6-Marquis Daniels: Ironic how they're next to each other, huh? Actually, I don't agree with people who say that Marquis and Josh are the same player. Marquis is a better ball handler and Josh is a better rebounder. Combined, they are Michael Finley in his prime. Sorry I had to bring his name up. Marquis is my favorite Maverick to see because he looks like he's always high. In fact, he is my wallpaper, and the pictures are hilarious. One of them is black and white where he tries to look like a model, one is him shooting a jumpshot out of a splash of water, and at the bottom it says SMOOTH. It should say STAY HEALTHY because if he does, he will round the Mavericks out so well. He can play defense just as well as offense, which is huge for the new defensive-oriented Mavericks.

#7-Disagna Diop: When I was in New York, my Uncle gave us tickets to go see the Mavs play the Knicks in the preseason. Of course, the Mavericks put in their back-ups for a lot of the game, and Diop was one of them. I remember when he was drafted out of high school, and I remember how frustrated the Cavs were with him. Even my buddy, Brett, who does not know a great deal about basketball, noticed how bad Diop was. How lost he looked, how out of position he always he was. We spent the entire game ripping on him because he looked like an idiot out there. Then he hit the game-winning tip-in shot at the buzzer, and we were unimpressed. Then I found out he had 5 blocks that game. Still unimpressed. Here's the thing, when a player drops rebounds like he's a Seahawks receiver catching footballs it's not a good thing. Especially when it's a center. Disagna will be great if he blocks 5 shots a game. He'll be awesome if he sucker punches Ginobili. Since neither will happen, I just hope he doesn't blow a game.

#10-Darrell Armstrong: I think he is like the Avery Johnson of the Mavericks from a couple years ago. Rarely used point guard who can provide a spark, but most of all, a veteran presence who can keep the players in line. I was really glad that we kept him on.

#13-Doug Christie: I still shudder thinking that he's on my favorite team. I feel torn with him. I have never had a player who I hated so much play for my favorite team. It is bizarre seeing him out there because I see his face and I think "Dickhead" then I see the jersey and I think "Go Mavs." He can be great for this team if he sticks to his role. No scoring needed. Just shut down Parker or Ginobili or McGrady or whoever else is thrown at us. He is great at frustrating opponents, I know this because I'm just a fan, and I wanted to strangle him all the time. Plus he fought Rick Fox once, which could have lead to a Vanessa Williams/Mrs. Christie fight, which should be on pay-per-view.

#24-Pavel Podkolzine: He's out for 4 months. Not much to say except if we didn't trade for him, then we could have drafted Wayne Simien! Argh. Oh well. I guess it's the Mavericks' right of passage to have freakishly tall guy on the team. And since Shawn Bradley is gone, Pavel will do.

#25-Erick Dampier: I always wanted Damp on the team, ever since we lost to San Antonio in the playoffs in 2001. So last year we got him, and everyone hated him. They expected him to be like Shaq (probably because he said he was second in the league behind Shaq). But you cannot get upset with an athlete because he's not performing to his expectations. We all know he's not second behind Shaq in terms of true centers, but get upset with him if he does things like take jumpshots, which he thankfully hasn't done yet. He provides a presence down low, and he may be overpaid, but Supply of centers is low and Demand is high, so prices will be inflated. That's simple economics. I go to college.

#28-DJ Mbenga: This is one of those guys Donnie Nelson found in the middle of nowhere and claims he's the next big thing in the league. Doubtful, Donnie. If he were good, more people than just you would have found him. If this were a movie, say The Air Up There, I'd believe you, but you're not Kevin Bacon, and DJ Mbenga will never be a starting center.

#31-Jason Terry: As hard as this is for me to say, the Mavericks cannot win a title with this Jason Terry as the point guard. I love the guy. He's a great player, but he's a hybrid point guard and shooting guard. He's no good without the ball, but in order to be a championship caliber team, you need distribution. I have faith that he can become more of a passer, but Avery Johnson wants him to be a scorer. He is a scorer, but how many scoring point guards have won NBA titles? Regardless of what I just said, I understand what the Mavericks are trying to do with him. They're trying to keep the same team together to create chemistry. It makes perfect sense for now, but there's someone else waiting in the wings who is developing his own thing...

#33-Josh Powell: Not him! He'll be in Fort Worth all year. See ya in the big leagues soon.

#34-Devin Harris: This is the guy who will lead the Mavericks to an NBA title one year. And it will be glorious. In 5 years, he will be one of the top 5 point guards in the league with Shaun Livingston, Chris Paul, Deron Williams, and whoever else can squeeze in there. My Mavericks' love rests in Devin Harris's ability, but there is one thing he has to do: Slow Down! He looks like he tries to do too much out there when all he really has to do is drive and pass. He has great ball handling skills, and he is a smart player. But becoming a successful point guard in this league is a long process; good thing Harris is progressing nicely.

#41-Dirk Nowitzki: My Dad's favorite athlete growing up was Joe Namath. If I have kids, I will tell him that I had two. Reggie Miller and Dirk Nowitzki. Dirk exemplifies everything I Love in a basketball player, he shoots the three, he's passionate, he's tall for his position, and he has a sense of humor. And only recently did that passion become fire. He was ridiculous in last year's playoffs. He got his team fired up, and make no mistake, it is his team now that Finley is gone. Dirk is hands down my favorite athlete in all of sports. Yes, even over guys like Michael Vick, Willis McGahee, Dwyane Wade, Lebron, and even Jerry Porter (Kinda random to throw him in there, but I gotta give him some love). My point about Dirk is that I have an opportunity to watch a player who I have always wanted to see. What makes it even better is that he is on my team in my hometown. So my biased prediction is that he'll put up MVP-caliber numbers, and if the Mavs win over 60 games, he could actually win the award.

#42-Jerry Stackhouse: Going into last season, I did not want Stack on the team at all. I thought we traded him so we could stockpile pieces to trade for Shaq. That obviously did not happen, but I was pleasantly surprised with him during the season. It wasn't until the playoffs that I began to appreciate his play, though. Against Houston, he couldn't miss from 3-point range! He played some great defense and not once complained about coming off the bench. I found out during that season that before the Mavs pulled the trigger on the trade, they made him agree to become a 6th man. He didn't flinch before hopping on a plane to Dallas. This guy is hungry for a ring and is willing to do what he has to do.


After reading about each player, I'm gonna tell you what I predict we'll see from the combined play of these guys:

  • Dirk and Josh Howard will emerge as the two best players on the court and create a lethal combination of finesse and grittiness.
  • Devin Harris will get some crunch time minutes to distribute the ball to our best clutch shooter, Jason Terry
  • Avery Johnson will bench a player, possibly Dirk, for playing shitty defense
  • Doug Christie will constantly give love signals to his wife
  • Josh Howard will get into at least 3 tussles during the season and will be ejected from a game leading to a post where I applaud him
  • Erick Dampier will actually shut down Shaq
  • Disagna Diop will suck in at least one game where we desperately need him
  • Doug Christie's wife will murder 4 or 5 attractive Maverick fans when Doug is looking at them in the stands

Overall prediction: Dirk will win MVP after we win around 60 games but still get 4th in the conference. We'll end up playing a tough Houston team in the first round despite the fact it's a matchup of 2 vs. 3. After a 7 game win against Houston, we'll take San Antonio to 7 games. The Maverick fan in me says we'll beat them in 7, then take on either Phoenix in the conference finals and beat them in 7 only to beat the Heat in 7. That's right, four 7 game series for the Mavericks to take home the title. Wishful thinking and contradicting to a lot of things I've said in this preview, but do you think I'd write a preview and say that the Mavs won't win?

Good luck, boys. Do Dallas Proud

Friday, October 07, 2005

Some of my Favorite Quotes

This is ripped directly from Bill Simmons' most recent article on his website (although it's an old one). He talks about quotes to be used in High School Yearbooks. It's pretty funny because he has Al Cowens and Rowdy Roddy Piper on there. Here are a few of my favorite quotes. You'll cry, you'll laugh, and then you'll realize that you just wasted a few minutes of your life.


"We suck we suck we suck we suck. We stink like poo"
-Former Saints' Coach Jim Mora

"I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch me hit this drive."
-President George W. Bush

"WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!"
-Eric Obogu (the dude in the Under Armour Commercials)

"I'm like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities -- I'm proven to be good."
-Shaquille O'Neal

"I know what your asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the octagon, but I also nick name my testie's my left one is James Wesfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noise Water. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang."
-Brian Fantana

"I will be your Dixie Chicken
If you'll be my Tennessee Lamb
Then we can walk together
Down in Dixie Land"
-Dave Matthews

"Pick up your stuff, because you're motherfuckin' fired"
-Ari Gold

"I bust three times, and throw her the peace sign"
-Queensborough's Finest

"What America means to me: Bitches. Money. Respect. Power. Honor."
-Snoop Dogg

"I use two hands. One to hold the microscope."
-Guapo

"You're no longer in my book of fun things to do."
-Pete Schmidt

"Man, Prince beat me in basketball. You can't make that stuff up."
-Charlie Murphy

"Oh, c'mon, her breasts weren't fake! They do exist. If they fell down in a forest, they would make a sound."
-Raymond

"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."
-Shaquille O'Neal

"Tell me where the bomb is or I will kill your son."
-Jack Bauer

"Mouthwash!"
-Jalen Rose

"But let me just say one thing. I always wanted to be a sports anchor. Yet clever metaphors and catchphrases escape me like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest. But I want you to listen hear, I'm not giving up. Alright? I'll be back. If it takes me 200 years, I'll be back. Lord Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection, I will be back."
-Chet Harper (Fake Sportscenter Anchor)

"Last season, we thought we could beat you. This year, we're gonna strap it on."
-Nuggets Owner Stan Kroeke

"I will work hard for you 24/7. That's 24 hours a week. 7 months a year."
-Will Ferrell impersonating Geroge Bush

"Everybody who knows me knows how I get down."
-Michael Vick denying that he's gay

"If you throw at someone's head, it's very dangerous, because in the head is the brain."
-Pudge Rodriguez

"Hey, Quagmire, you forgot the "O" in Country."
-Brian from the Family Guy

"If Tim Belcher is on your pitching staff, you are automatically a last place team."
-George Dunham

"I'd just lie about it."
-My buddy, Ryan's, reaction if he were to contract an incurable STD

"Listen, here, my Kraut-Mick friend."
-Hollywood director speaking to German-Irish Tom Hagen

"The Padres pull a Johnny Drama 'VICTORY!'"
-Scott Van Pelt

"When you're rich, you don't write checks. Straight cash, homey."
-Randy Moss